and at 2 meters what a piece of meat it must be

What’s wrong with NZ rugby? Are our players too hot?

The current perplexing state of NZ rugby and the ever confusing message we are being sent from the game (I once loved) came to the fore over the past weekend. I sat through the Saturday triple header that is the Air New Zealand Cup, which I might add is currently going through somewhat of a ‘rugby renaissance’ with crowds packing in to heartland rugby venues such as Keri Keri and Nelson to watch the local heroes miss more tackles than Stacey Jones. The close ups of spectators with missing front teeth sent warm shivers down the spine. Contrast that image (and the image of the bearded Manawatu duo of Stone and Tietjen’s or the Waldron brothers) with the image portrayed in inner city Auckland – where gushing girls and slobbering guys smash the tail lights of the Remuera tractor in front of them while gazing at the sweet bods of Dan and Honor in their undies…

The thought of players of yester year stripping off for anything other than a nude lap of the park in a court session challenge is simply unthinkable. Even two of NZ rugby’s biggest exponents of the ‘I don’t give a fuck what I look like’ look, Jason Eaton and Tim Boys, have trimmed their flowing mullet (pronounced moo –lay) and have had a shave as they search for that elusive ‘pro-hoe’ that will for ever keep their wee fella happy and their sacks and wallets empty.

As I sat slightly confused, listening to the masculine looking, ruggedly unshaven Northland captain speak in a Mike Tyson -esc tone I pondered…. Since the departure of the likes of the Shovel Faced Anton Oliver, the Orange Beacon Paul Tito and The Jaw Xavier Rush left our shores have our players become too tanned, too good looking,– too hot ?

In light of this revelation and the fact Bruno has pointed out that ‘gay bashing’ has become the last bastion of prejudice allowed in our society (apart from Australia where racism reigns), myself and my raging heterosexual mates decided to embrace our inner homosexuality and get one up for the those who ‘feed the tight head’ and select “NZ rugby’s hottest player XV”.  There is nowhere more appropriate to pen such a side than on the website of someone so comfortable with his own sexuality as Sonny Bill Williamson.

1. Keith Cameron (Otago). Despite having to withdraw from the Otago team due to injury no one who has seen K1 cutting shapes around the Octagon would doubt his years of personal training have given him the inside running to led this side up front.

2. Dane Coles (Wellington). His youthful glow and a good set of hair (we feel he can do so much with it) have Coles at hooker. Fortunately being able to throw the ball into the line out was not a qualifier as we would have struggled to select a New Zealand hooker if this was a prerequisite.

3. Pauliasi Manu (Auckland). The little known but explosive prop with amazing stamina accompanied by a cheeky little grin completes the best looking front row around.

4. Ross Kennedy (Hawkes Bay). Currently dating a former Ms NZ place-getter the thoughts of what he could do with those giant hands boggles the mind. He also brings “slut factor” having started in Wellington, moving to Dunedin before settling in the Hawkes Bay.

5. Anthony Boric (North Harbour). You can’t go past the Croatian god from over the bridge to fill the second locking spot. The skipper of our side’s favourite piece of meat in the changing room (see mastermouse interview with Kahui HERE) and at 2 meters what a piece of meat it must be.

6. Cameron Jowitt (Auckland). Ian Thorpe like – Jowitt finds himself out of position but with his length combined with flowing locks and facial hair makes it hard not to picture him in euro togs tanning in the Greek Islands.

7. Richie McCaw (Canterbury). Every Parent In Law’s dream. The rugged Hakataramea Valley raised Richie, he was second in line to Dux and Head Boy at High School and includes gliding and the bagpipes as hobbies (oh my -what a package). He is a sure starter, but may struggle to hold his place as his battered melon looks older and more covered in scar tissue every time he delivers an uninspiring after match speech.

8. Liam Messam (Waikato). Unwanted by the three wise men, Messam is not sent packing to the Waikato B team by our selection panel. His strategic 3 day old stubble shows he is up with the play in fashion even if not out on the park.

9. Scott Cowan (Southland). Helped by the North Island’s propensity to pick over weight half-backs, Scott also pips the other Justin Marshall / Meg Ryan try-hard’s (Jimmy Cowan and Andy Ellis) to act as the meat in the sandwich.

10. Josh Hall (Counties Manukau). Former male model Hall used to frequent the local rags of the South in dressing gowns putting Arthur Barnett’s well ahead of Jockey in the underwear race.

11. Robbie Robinson (Southland). A certain future star of both the All Blacks and underwear modeling campaigns. The unblemished skin and natural  good looks of the “Boy Wonder” will no doubt have already turned the head of infamous rugby groupie and sky commentator Mel Robinson.  He will be a true favourite of the new breed of “Stag Hunters”.

12. Daniel Carter (Canterbury). Dan has to move out to Inside Centre to cater for the abundance of attractive First Five Eights, but it is unthinkable that DC could ever be left out; he is a true pioneer of hot rugby players.

13. Richard Kahui – Captain (Waikato). There is no need for any explanation here, such a fine specimen of a man. Men want to be him and ladies want to be on him.

14. Kendrick Lynn (Southland). Voted The Sexiest Stag two years running, Kenny did well to maintain his title challenged by the likes of Cowan, Jason Kawau and the ‘Boy Wonder’. But he holds his spot in our side through his excellent positional play and amazing ability to shoot into small gaps. See HERE for more on this…

15. Tamiti Ellison (Wellington). After initially dismissing the entire Wellington team for being; “too selfish”, and “ only caring for themselves’, they ended up making quite an impression on the selection panel. None more so than the chiseled jaw line of Ellison, one of the new boys in the AB squad.  He must be hot as he managed to push the “Boy Wonder” onto the wing.

Unlucky to miss selection:

Luke McAllister: those thighs are just too big.

Mike Delany: too short.

Jason Kawau and Dean Budd: those curly locks are sooo dreamy.

Steve Brett: too many teeth.

Ash Moeke: too much nose.

AND WHAT?

So we shouldn’t blame the lack of ball skills, the shoddy lineout, the Stephen Donald defensive bomb tactic, Ted’s love affair with Iasia Tooeva or the fact that the only qualification Steve Hansen has to coach the forwards is he ate too much for our poor recent showing. The large number of All Blacks that made this squad rams home the point. Our star players are too well maintained, too pretty, too distracted by what they will pick up at Pony Club after the match. The likes of Wyatt Crockett and Aled de Malmanche must start for the All Black side for us to compete with the Wallabies Nathan Sharpe, Al Baxter and Phil wo woooo what happened to your face Waugh to help the All Blacks return to their winning ways.

A piece collaborated by Roddy Latham, Marky Cooksley and The Weapon.