Podium of Advice

I don’t consider myself a ‘bloke’, per se; I’m happy to take advice from anyone. But I’ve seen men who lack the decision-making capacity. These sad, hunched-over sacks – with other-halves assisting in a permanent consultancy role – haven’t the wherewithal to make a simple sartorial-based decision because of a repetitive stream of ‘advice’ received over the years. How did we lose that?

So in the spirit of ‘advice’ and all the benefits that it brings, I’ve come up with a short-list of attributes that will serve women well in their quest, whatever it may be for. If it’s to win over the fairer sex, then these little bonbons of insider knowledge will help you to no end.

So here’s a short-list. And it is quite a short list, apparently. Only three attributes, but their importance is clearly noticeable in the minds of males. The first of which is co-ordination. Co-ordination is not an easy thing to master. Many males struggle to grapple with the concept. Why do you need it? Because males have a spatial awareness that encourages throwing, catching and general motor-movement functions. It may not necessarily be sport, but generally speaking, your average male will have a high appreciation for co-ordination. And males know this well: to be labeled ‘unco’ at school was a pretty scathing indictment of your general worth in the eyes of your peers.

For females, co-ordination can take many forms. It can be a simple game of coin rugby from time to time, catching the instruments that guys like to throw around so frequently (ball, keys, salt shaker) or getting out in the driveway on a hot afternoon and rolling the arm over so your man can work on playing in the ‘V’. When the mid-afternoon heat renders driveway cricket inadmissible, the ability to co-ordinate a delicious spread of meats and cheeses afterward will be an important skill. It’s significant at the evolutionary level too. When it comes to motherhood, it would be nice to know that Brutus Jr. is in a safe pair of hands. And while it’s well-known that females can organize with the best of them, having physical co-ordination will enhance your stats exponentially in the eyes of a male.

Timing is not something that comes naturally to humans. It looks easy, but it’s really not. So overlooking the value of a well-timed joke, fart or cover-drive is criminal. For females, timing needn’t be so blokey. Often saying the right thing at the right time is all it takes; even saying the wrong thing at the right time can be allowed. As long as it’s timed well, what’s the difference? But if a woman possesses timing, no amount of hype will ever be too much. A stunning entrance to a room, followed by a well-timed quip will blow everyone’s socks off. While unthinkable surprises at random, but timely, moments will make a man feel like the god that he’s always wanted to be.

People – and men make up roughly 50% of this equation – are always impressed by a well-timed anything. Comedy is founded on timing (and humour) and if a woman has comic timing she will be elevated to the status of goddess. If you ever wanted a prime example, cast your eyes upon Julia Louis-Dreyfus. She is the best female actor ever (and also most attractive female on screen) based on her portrayal of Elaine Benes in Seinfeld. She proves that comic timing will gloss over 80’s throwback fash, some interesting hair choices and a lack of penetrating good looks. Clearly, timing will make up for many shortcomings.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, you need class. This is harder to attain than the rest but if you have co-ordination and timing, you’re on the right track. Class is indefinable; it’s that intangible that everyone wants, and many think they have, but is only seldom seen. Women might be thinking, ‘well isn’t it the same as grace? What about grace?’ But grace, while being a veritable asset, isn’t as universally admired as class. They share an apartment together, but while class is laid-back and cool, grace is too much of a clean-freak; whereas grace is a bit flighty, class has strong foundations.

So how do you get class? Well it helps to be born with it; to have a fine taste in all things…food, music, fashion, film, literature…these cannot be bought. Any sort of ‘old money’ is also a real bonus, while a beach house would really cement your class. But you don’t just come across class; it doesn’t just appear. Attaining class is a bit like the pursuit of happiness. You don’t pursue happiness, you pursue other things in life and happiness ensues from the pursuit. Equally so, you don’t try and be classy; you work on your co-ordination and timing and your class will be revealed. And if you need affirmation of your class, just listen. If you ever do something classy but aren’t quite sure, your man will be able to help. If he says ‘you can’t teach that’, you’re home.

Brutus de Milo