I’ve Been Down So Goddamn Long

Recently, I made some playlists for a good friend of mine who was embarking on an overseas journey.  Yes I’m one of those people that come to mind when you need to flesh out your ipod; not because I’m uber cool per se, but because I have a hearty obsession for all things musical and therefore sport a full and eclectic itunes collection ranging from Rachmaninoff to Dr Dre and everything in between.  So, I made three playlists – one of all Luther’s current favourites (I’m slightly embarrassed to admit that this was the exact name of the playlist), one of upbeat party beats and a third entitled “depressing/melancholic stuff”.

To my dismay, however perhaps not surprise, the depressing playlist was the longest… by quite a number of songs.  Ouch.  I didn’t quite know what to think.  Should I perhaps be embarrassed?  Was I secretly known to all my friends as that sad, mopey girl?  Am I a, gulp, emo?

Immediately following these initial thoughts and feelings, I found myself becoming rather defensive.  “What’s wrong with listening to depressing music?” I bemoaned internally.  A bit of a sad music session and a good cry is sometimes exactly what the doctor ordered.  Sure, at times I have been known to dwell in my den of depressing tunes – like that time I broke up with my boyfriend and listened to Turn On the Bright Lights by Interpol on solid repeat.  Or that other time I got totally obsessed with Martha Wainwright (also coinciding with boy problems – Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole is a real goodie for such periods in one’s life-  I recall walking past a “robust” 30 something blasting this ode to womanhood from the windows of her SUV and singing along at the top of her lungs.  I had a wee titter to myself, I must admit).

Over the last month or so, I have been reacquainting myself with Elliott Smith’s back catalogue.  For those of you who have not heard of this lyrical genius, suffice to say that in 2003 Elliott committed suicide by STABBING HIMSELF IN THE HEART.  Twice.  Yes you read correctly and no I didn’t think it was humanly possible either.  So, you can probably guess what his songs are like.  Actually, some are rather happy (click here) but the majority are a bit deathy round the edges.  I Didn’t Understand is one of my favourites (click here).  The opening lyrics are “Thought you’d be looking for the next in line to love, then ignore, put out and put away.  And so you’d soon be leaving me, alone like I’m supposed to be, tonight, tomorrow and every day.  There’s nothing here that you’ll miss, I can guarantee you this is a cloud of smoke trying to occupy space.  What a fucking joke, what a fucking joke.”

Jesus.

I have always defended my right to listen to what I wish.  And I have always pooh-poohed those that have tried to convince me that it may not be so, ah, conducive to good mental health to be listening to such compositions.

However, upon a recent youtube trawl, I found a few disturbing comments people had written on clips of Smith’s songs.  One that is etched in my memory was a comment by a young man in which he admitted to attempting suicide but, unlike Elliott, failing.  Now, I don’t want to get too deep here and ruin your brunch, but I admit it did make me reconsider my original stance.  Perhaps those annoying happy-go-lucky do-gooders had a point in trying to impose an Elliott ban on my listening pleasure.

Perhaps an old adage can be slightly modified in this circumstance.  Perhaps it could be said that you are what you… listen….. to…??  What do you think?  I’m not sure.  But one thing I do know is that if you listen to too much Elliott Smith, you may end up like Elliott Smith…

And on that note, here is something nice and perky to help erase the lingering feeling of sadness you are probably experiencing after reading this article… (click here).  I’m supposed to listen to it twice a day after a meal, therapist’s orders…

Mr Elliott Smith.  Doesn’t look like the happiest fella does he?