With the World Cup rapidly approaching, we thought we would preview a few of the teams who could leave their mark on the tournament, and some who frankly won’t.
| Team: | England |
| Key Players: | Rooney, Lampard, Gerrard, Terry. |
| Profile: | Bucket loads of talent, millions of pounds of resources, and arguably the worlds greatest domestic league indicate this team should have been successful on more than one occasion. |
| Reality: | World Cup wannabes. Continually manage to blow it spectacularly – red cards, terrible penalty taking, winking Portuguese antagonists, Captains shagging team mates’ wives and star strikers shagging Granny prostitutes. What’s more unbelievable is all of this has occurred since South Korea /Japan ’02. It really is ‘what next?’ with this bunch of prima donnas. |
| For the ladies: | Think John Travolta. Glory days were eons ago, still keeping his head afloat, but really buddy, your time is up. |
| Support if: | You like to cut yourself. |
| Prediction: | Out on penalties in the Quarters after being reduced to 9 men and no Manager following an unfortunate incident involving The King of Chavs: Terry, Crouch and Capello’s agent /son Pierfilippo |
| Team: | Spain |
| Key Players: | Xavi, Puyol, Villa, Iniesta, Torres, Casillas, Pique, Ramos…well, you get the point. |
| Profile: | Their domestic league boasts the FIFA Team of the Century in Real Madrid and has given the World the likes of Raul. Their current crop is arguably one of the best in history and all this in a country where Vaseline and terracotta were the official currency prior to the Euro. |
| Reality: | Big stage battlers. Spain has always failed to deliver when it mattered most – until Euro 2008 when this team found its straps. This band of merry men will be harder to stop than a Basque separatist during the Tour de France. |
| For the ladies: | Think Charlie Sheen. Loads of potential early on before floating aimlessly for a number of years, only to come back bigger and better than ever, while still maintaining his signature sleaze. |
| Support if: | You want to jump on a band-wagon and run off some names like Dunedin Uni chicks and the All Blacks. |
| Prediction: | All the hype was too much for this group of philandering porn stars. The whole team tests positive for drugs after authorities find Spain have been juiced up on Mayan body fluids extracted from the last surviving slaves of the Conquistador period. |
| Team: | Australia |
| Key Players: | Cahill, Neill, Schwarzer. |
| Profile: | Perennial water boys. Making what will be their third World Cup Finals appearance, Australia likes to think they can mix it with the big dogs. However, in reality they’re the person in the office no one likes but doesn’t know it yet. |
| Reality: | If you listened to the media, they’re capable of no less than five upsets to win the whole thing. They boast the “best goalie in the world” who plays for Fulham because he “likes it there” and the A league, with its circa 20% pass completion rate, has provided selectors with a plethora of talent. |
| For the ladies: | Think Rock of Love’s Bret Michaels. Show’s up at the VIP entrance at Guns and Roses concerts and is politely told to “fuck off”. |
| Support if: | You lack any cynicism. |
| Prediction: | Winners. |
| Team: | New Zealand |
| Key Players | Nelsen, Nelsen and some guy named McGlin…chin….chinchey, who Google hasn’t even heard of. |
| Profile: | Well they did beat their second European team ever in the form of Serbia (World Rank of 15) the other day and Wynton Rufer is Oceania Player of the Century (is that being desperate?). |
| Reality: | The only team with a player listed as having no club affiliation, every now and then these battlers teach superpowers a thing or two about how shit goes down. Let’s just hope they have something unique up their sleeves like the Maoris did with trench warfare. |
| For the ladies: | Think Temuera Morrison. Always in the lower quartile but capable of something explosive (Jake the Muss) and unexpected (Star Wars or Barb Wire, take your pick). |
| Support if: | You hate Fat Freddy’s Drop. |
| Prediction: | Through to the Second Round due to some peculiar own goals from Slovakia (Vladimir Putin or the Pakistani bookmakers influence has expanded exponentially). |
| Team: | North Korea |
| Key Players: | The one’s with the large families to worry about. |
| Profile: | The only thing we know about these guys is that they’re amazing at marching in unison. |
| Reality: | Immigration Officials will be closely monitoring who gets on and off each bus. |
| For the ladies: | Think Kathy Bates in Misery, only she prevails, has 20 million kids with what’s his face and hobbles them all. |
| Support if: | You like sharing. |
| Prediction: | No one can predict what the man in the safari jump suit will pull. |
| Team: | France |
| Key Players: | Ribery, Henry, Anelka. |
| Profile: | After years of frustration, France finally delivered a World Cup to the Gallic horde in ‘98. After making the final last time in Deutschland, the ‘Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys’ (French Stereotype #33) really showed they are deserved of being listed with the big boys of World football. |
| Reality: | They probably shouldn’t even be there. Henry’s double handball against the “plucky” Irish (Irish stereotype #12) handed them a ticket to South Africa in a playoff. Furthermore, their star Real Madrid striker Benezma isn’t there – he’s been left at home pending underage sex charges (and Ribery probably should have stayed as well). |
| For the ladies: | Think Woody Allen. Leave these sickos alone! |
| Support if: | You would normally be on Redtube in the ‘Teen’ section. |
| Prediction: | Ribery has a crack at Henry’s daughter and in the ensuing chaos they slump against the rampant Mexican and Uruguayans in the group stage. |
fucking genius!!! although you missed 17,000 possible stereotypes for germany. and then i see that it’s only part one. terrific.
Ribery is one of the more terrifying humans I have ever seen. He looks like Flanny too.
Reality: Immigration Officials will be closely monitoring who gets on and off each bus.
hahahahahhhhaaaahahahahaaaa