A questionable piece on Aquariums

In my experience, there’s only so much to be gained from going to the aquarium. And that only so much tends to be in short supply if you go in on an empty stomach. But after a month’s hard toil in the London sun, the weather turned quicker than Chris Bosh and 8 million people started lamenting the end of summer. We had to take cover.

In 6 months touring the Great Beyond, I’ve ventured into two Aquariums of varying prominence: one claimed to be the best in the world and the other from one of the world’s best cities. Each left me feeling a certain level of despair that rendered the next few hours of my life insolvent of any positive emotion. There is certainly no emoticon that describes the desire to drown a dozen children under the age of 9. Yet, that is what the aquarium will do to you if you get it wrong.

So with the benefit of hindsight, the following are a series of notes loosely cobbled together from one man’s journeys under the sea. Or part thereof.

1. Never on an empty stomach. As you can gather from my repetition, this is an important decision on which the whole scale of your visit depends. Without food in your stomach, you become disoriented and may lose the respect of your companion, which isn’t recommended if you’re spending the next 3 hours in the car together. A meal before the fact is as important as studying before an exam; without it you’ll be lost for the next 2 hours.

2. It’s probably not worth it. This week I went to the London Aquarium. It cost £36 for two people for an hour. That’s equivalent to seven doubles (doubles!) of the Talisker I just ordered, or 60-odd fresh, warm croissants from Tesco for those of the Bastille storming persuasion. In other words, you could have some rollicking conversation over a drink, or feed the masses, which would inevitably inspire some rollicking conversation for the same extortionate fee.

3. There will be no conversation. One of the things you notice when you go to the aquarium is how frequently school holidays occur. It’s as though school was out, in perpetuity. If there aren’t a hundred children, there are a thousand. None of whom have been schooled, as it were, on the importance of sharing the road. If these children were driving real cars, they would be severely punished for their behaviour in the public eye. But they aren’t. They’re running wild in an undersea adventure park with no rides, limited space and 1 teacher/parent/guardian for every 50 of them. In other words, it’s a fucking nightmare. And a noisy one.

4. If it doesn’t move, keep walking. When you’re this long underground, it’s best to keep a healthy momentum. The democratic amongst us will stop at every fish bowl, read every blurb and remember every fact, but these people aren’t to be trusted. For entertainment purposes a good rule of thumb is if it moves, take a look at it. These beasts know the game and are aware that people have come to see them in action. The sea otters in Monterey and the turtles in London knew this and we obliged, not least because one of the otters resembled Castles (is there a name for a Sexo Otter?), however the piranhas in London should really try and mix up their game.

5. Beware of people with cameras. Opportunists come in many forms. The Aquarium Opportunist is up there with the Cricket Commentator Opportunist (Gavin Larsen: ‘I was expecting him to go over the top and he did and he’s paid the price for it’. Thanks Gav.) in terms of people you least want to be stuck with in the event. Instead of actually looking at the creatures, they stop at every fish bowl, frame the shot, snap and move on. Without even looking at the colours and/or gills! Have they no confidence in the storage capacity of their own memory? I didn’t really care for the aquarium, but I don’t hesitate in sharing my disdain of these bastards.

6. The aquarium is not underwater. Or maybe it is. But the point worth remembering here is that you aren’t actually under the sea. Henceforth the animals are a bit shit. If you want to see a shark, maybe you should watch more TV. Because aquarium sharks look about as lethal as cutty grass, and the rest of the fish would be doing a better job if they were served to me in a bowl with some broth and spring onions. I’m convinced this is not the best environment to look at animals of the deep.