In regards to Chach’s duck hunting related letter on the 1st of May (see article below), we now present Father’s response…
Dear Cara,
I apologise for my delay in replying however, I wanted time for the smell of cordite to fade and the sound of gunshot to subside.
1. Yes I did go duck hunting but all red blooded Kiwi men do. It draws them closer to nature. I suspect that duck hunting is a pursuit sadly lost on the liberal limp wristed left wing Californian male (Arnold Schwarzenegger, John Wayne and John Lucas excluded).
2. No, Dick Cheney is not a personal hero of mine. Any man who shoots a lawyer, let alone his own lawyer, needs to be vilified not idolised.
3. My hero of American politics if you must know is the late Charles Nesbitt Wilson, a Texan Congressman who sadly died on 10 February 2010. His achievements are best recorded in the Economists’ obituary to him which read:
“After a decade or so in Congress, Charlie Wilson had certainly made an impression there. Not that he did much on the legislative side. He went on the House floor only to see if there was talent in attendance, and if there was he would send up an invitation. On the stroke of lunch, most days, he would stroll into his office to greet the shapeliest staff in Washington, picked not for their typing but their tits, because why should a man be depressed when he came to into work?”
4. The “Economist” which may be unknown to you is a magazine you are unlikely to find in any hairdressing salon/psychiatrist office in West Hollywood, Santa Monica or Marina del Rey.
5. About the dog. I have as you know been in negotiations with the owners of Norton for some years in an attempt to secure Norton’s services during the duck hunting season. The dog clearly needs to get away from all the disturbing left wing liberal influences that he is subjected to daily.
6. Negotiations initially founded on the terms of contract. New Zealand Immigration officials required the owners to deposit a bond with the New Zealand Government as insurance against alimony payments that Norton may be liable for as a result of any extra-curricular activities whilst in New Zealand. Of course, the New Zealand Government undertook that if Norton behaved himself the money would be refunded. Sadly this was not acceptable to the owners.
7. As a consequence, Norton’s owners instructed a firm of attorney’s from Los Angeles to act for him. Indeed the same attorney’s who acted for Heide Fleiss and OJ Simpson.
8. Since then negotiations have taken a turn for the worse. When I advised my fellow duck hunters that the proposed substitute dog came from California, they immediately raised concerns that the dog could be gay. As you could imagine, it would do their reputations (as robust, hairy, misogynist corporates’) no good to have a gay dog retrieving their dead ducks.
9. The owners, through their attorneys strenuously denied that he was gay. To overcome this issue, we have requested as a further condition of Norton’s employment that he obtain and supply a certificate of sexuality signed by Barack Obama’s wife, Michelle.
We are still waiting for this document. Perhaps it will be available for the 2011 season. The delay is only serving to foster the suspicions that I and my fellow duck hunters have regarding Norton.
Love,
Father.
