AMERICA’S BEST: NFL NAMES EDITION – By Mackaveli and Chachi Bonch.
It’s the Super Bowl this weekend, which means if you’re anywhere but Europe, you’re perfectly placed to invest 6 hours of your life into a wildly hyped event that will probably have its fair share of drama. And let’s be fair, America has a patent on television drama. They also know how to do comedy, and not the subtle, self-deprecating British Office version of comedy. Our American friends, with their history of Saturday Night Live hits and misses, know a thing or two about outlandish humour. But the best kind of humour – and America has a mortgage on this too – is unintentional comedy. And there is no better time to introduce readers to the unrivalled scale of unintentional comedy that is evident in the NFL, than the week of Superbowl XLV (that’s 45 if you lost count).
The type of unintentional comedy you’ll see in the next few paragraphs is so unique, yet also as common as the names on the backs of the players’ jerseys. That’s because it’s the names on the backs of the players’ jerseys. As you read on, be sure not to overreact and think this is a racial thing because of the high proportion of African-American names in the mix. There’s a healthy and unprejudiced mix. Remember, that’s the beauty of unintentional comedy: you’re laughing at them while laughing with them. Even though they are serious. If that makes sense. And if you’re still upset, just think of this as a slight subversion of MMP Lookalikes. And besides, the idea is courtesy of none other than Chachi Bonch, that famous Harvard-educated, Obama-voting Democrat. So it’s legit.
To present the findings, we’ve gone with a squad system, which is only natural since it’s a team game. The first team, the A’postrophes, needs no real explanation. The likes of Sen’Derrick Marks, Na’il Diggs, Le’Ron McClain, J’Marcus Webb and D’Qwell Jackson are impressive. But by no stretch could they ever leave the same impression as the captain of this team: D’Brickashaw Ferguson. Say that a few times. It’s a mouthful of gold.
The All-Military Squad features guys like Captain Munnerlyn, Major Wright, Arnaz Battle and Tuff Harris. Ideal names for athletes that slug it out on the battlefield. And let’s not forget that sport is really just legalized war that you can bet on. Meanwhile Tank Johnson and Colt McCoy remind you of America’s love of firepower.
Those who haven’t seen Jerry Maguire may not understand relevance of the Rod Tidwell Memorial Squad, so I implore you to see the film and celebrate the quan. What is it? We may not know, but the parents of Syd’Quan Thompson, Anquan Boldin, Quan Cosby and Tiquan Underwood certainly had some idea. We should also acknowledge the folks of Juqua Parker and Kentwan Balmer, who clearly know the quan, but were a little more subtle.
The Louisiana Purchase Squad references guys who, whether they know it or not, owe their names to their French forefathers. Before they had their asses saved in World War II. Guys like DeMarcus Ware, Demorrio Williams, DeMeco Ryans and Demaryius Thomas, and that famous Gallo-Afro-Celt LeSean McCoy. Then there’s LenDale White, Letroy Guion, LeGarette Blount, LaDanian Tomlinson and Travis LaBoy. Quarterback of the group is Jake Delhomme and coach is NaVorro Bowman.
The Future Career in Porn Squad will always raise a few eyebrows, and it’s no surprise that the rotation has both quality and depth: Britton Colquitt, Pierre Garcon, Cadillac Williams, Stylez White, Robaire Smith and H.B. Blades may never be household names, but should get their due anyhow. Captain of the All-Porn squad is undoubtedly Richie Incognito of the Miami Dolphins. Yes!
Obviously there are many great double-barrel names, but none could come close to the likes of Dominique Rogers-Cromartie, Tully Banta-Cain, Antwaan Randle El and BenJarvus Green-Ellis, who will go down in the NFL Name Hall of Fame with LaRod Stephens-Howling as one of the great Slashies of our time.
Naturally there’s a solid squad of All-American Names. Football is big in the South where conservatism, respect, appreciation for the Confederacy and old-school names are all widespread. Guys like Prescott Burgess, Billy Cundiff and Julius Peppers should be back in the 50’s watching drive-thru movies wearing red football jackets with white sleeves and an oversized “A” plastered on their chests. And the likes of Fabian Washington, Rock Cartwright, Golden Tate, Trumaine McBride and Stevenson Sylvester should be thankful their parents raised them in the Reagan years and that their names engender thoughts of what Hunter Thompson called the American Century. Joe Flacco is the All-American quarterback for those of an east coast persuasion, while Drew Brees represents the laid back west coasters.
The Not-As-All-American Squad features names that sounded slightly less American in origin, but are definitely no less so. For example, who could begrudge Ndamukong Suh (tremendously nicknamed Chaos N. Suh), Roddrick Muckelroy, Brodrick Bunkley and Hines Ward? A special mention must be given to Chad Ochocinco, one of the outspoken receivers for the Bengals. Born Chad Johnson, he changed his name to reflect the number on his jersey, 85, obviously with a slightly more Hispanic slant. Let’s hear it for Chad Eighty-Five! Alright!
A small but worthy group of players have names with geographical references, or names that sound similar to places you may have heard of. Such as Orlando Scandrick, Tyjuan Hagler, Jamarca Sanford (double points for Jamaica and Stanford), Trai Essex, Jerricho Crotchery, Troy Polamalu and Montario Hardesty who was in the All-Porn Team until the 11th hour.
The final groups are a mix of personal favourites. These players didn’t fit into any particular group but were too good to miss out. I give you the 2011 All-Mackaveli Squad: Early Doucet, Knowshon Moreno, Lousaka Polite, Visanthe Shiancoe, Takeo Spikes, Limas Sweed, Kevin Ogletree, Flozell Adams, King Dunlap, Tashard Choice and Sinorice Moss.
Lastly we have the 2011 All-Chach Squad, which emphasizes the Power of One. Sometimes there’s a man…I won’t say a hero, cause what’s a hero? But sometimes, there’s a man. And I’m talking about Tom Brady here. Sometimes, there’s a man, well, he’s the man for that time and place. He fits right in there. And that’s Tom Brady, in Boston. With his sensational mane. And his supermodel wife. And his perfect physique. Chach likes to call him the One Hit Wonder.
Mackaveli and Chachi Bonch
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