Mackaveli’s Guide To Naming Your Memoirs

Chuck Norris: The Prequel

There are a number of do’s and don’ts that should be paid heed to when choosing the name of your autobiography. The most obvious of which is to not come up with Your Name: An Autobiography. This is shit, and it’s a wonder that so many people over the years have managed to look straight past that. To be fair, it’s probably representative of the collective intelligence of the endless stream of sportsmen who choose this path. To use ‘: An Autobiography’, you have to get creative. Steve Waugh is the serious, pragmatic starting point with ‘Out of My Comfort Zone’. But don’t be afraid of some shameless self-promotion like ‘Hail Caesar: The Autobiography of Billy McNeill’ (who?), ‘A Golden Age – Stephen Redgrave: The Autobiography’ (good idea to get in before Phelps) or ‘Footballeur: An Autobiography by Robert Pires’, which is as French as it is lazy.

Best to leave this strategy alone though, since a cliche is a tasteless way make people smile. If you offer a slightly bewildering and possibly sexually suggestive phrase, you will move off the bottom of the heap and increase the chances of lining your pockets. Alec Stewart’s ‘Playing For Keeps’ accompanied by its cover photo is a bit weird, as is Peter Fonda’s ‘Don’t Tell Dad’. You could leave out the suggestion and just come right out with it like Harry Hamlin’s ‘Full Frontal Nudity’, but again it’s lacking a certain bite to it.

There are a couple of ways to get this bite but the basic premise is to say something clever or funny. Some go too far in the wrong direction and just end up sounding like douches, which unfortunately is what these people most likely are. ‘Ice By Ice’ from Vanilla Ice is so ridiculous that it actually starts to get better each time you think of it and him in quick succession, while Tori Spelling’s greatest gift to mankind was clearly this trifecta: ‘Stori Telling’, ‘Mommywood’ and ‘Uncharted Territori’. Yes!

Not his autobiography cover but a worthwhile insight nonetheless

No, you really have to avoid that sort of thing, even if it’s the best work of your career. Follow the lead of someone like Alan Alda, whose ‘Never Have Your Dog Stuffed And Other Things I’ve Learned’ is insightful and bizarre at the same time. Ralph Bellamy and Dirk Benedict have titles as impressive as their names, with ‘When The Smoke Hit The Fan’ and ‘Confessions Of A Kamikaze Cowboy’. They sound like they should be out of an ad for a 60’s physician-only cigar and cologne club. ‘Don’t Hassel The Hoff’ should obviously be paid tribute for David assuming this persona, but also for pressing Chuck Norris into following up ‘Against All Odds’ with Norris literally coming to your house and kicking your face into his book called ‘Roundhouse Kick To The Face’. That would be something.

You’re so badass Dennis.

Perhaps the best way to get a good name for your memoirs is to have led a fulfilled life. Titles such as ‘Bad As I Wanna Be’ and ‘I Should Be Dead By Now’ must inspire those of us with free time to emulate the deeds of Dennis Rodman who once married himself and once retired from wrestling at the top level so he could become Commissioner of the Lingerie Football League. Which pretty much entitles you to say whatever you want, anywhere on your book.

And finally, sometimes it’s best to keep it simple, like Dr. Tregonning in Sydney, Australia. If you’re not going to read ‘TJ Tregonning… And Loving It!’ then you probably don’t like reading.

Mackaveli