Non-relationship Relationship: noun. A sexual relationship that outwardly appears to be a legitimate partnership but lacks commitment.
I have been in a ‘non-relationship relationship’ – actually let me correct that – I’ve been in several ‘non-relationship relationships’. They seem to be my specialty. And I’m sure, whether you are a serial monogamist or a foxy player of the proverbial dating field you have found yourself in one too, at some point.
When I do indulge in this type of relationship I find myself grinning like some love-sick teenager while at the same time doubting my emotional health. This mental state usually crystallises in a lusty yet existential, downward spiral where I proclaim to want to marry the guy or completely cut all contact with him.
This craziness happens because the ‘non-relationship relationship’ sits smack bang in the middle of the dating spectrum at the hazy and confusing place where ‘buying groceries together’ and ‘having hot sex in a nightclub bathroom’ blurs.
So here is my argument for… and against ‘non-relationship relationships’. Maybe by the end of it you can make up my mind for me. No seriously, tell me the answer.
Pro: Regular sex
When engaged in a ‘non-relationship relationship’ things remain ‘fresh’, it’s like that wonderful ‘honeymoon period’ at the beginning of a committed relationship but all the time. This means that 99% of the time you are sexing each other or thinking about sexing each other. This voracious appetite for shagging means you can count on each other for sexual fulfillment on a (at least) weekly basis.
Con: When you are on your period there’s this weird vibe
You go through the normal routine – meet after work, go to an art opening or maybe see a movie, have a few drinks over dinner, take a cab back to his place, get semi undressed and then… nothing because its that time of the month. You cuddle, you give him a blowjob and then you go to sleep. And while there isn’t anything wrong with this, you can’t seem to escape the awkward vibe that permeates the air. And don’t get me started on running out of pads in the middle of the night in a boys’ sharehouse. Complete. Disaster.
Pro: Doing your own thing
When in a committed ‘I want you to meet the folks’ kinda relationship I always end up longing for the days where I could decide to go out dancing with my girlfriends at a club on a whim or go on a massive bar-hoping bender just for kicks in the middle of the week. When you have a boyfriend you lose that ability. Things need to be planned and even if you are a laid back person like me, you still end up answering their texts halfway through your night of drunken fun. However, with a ‘non-relationship relationship’ you can go out with the girls whenever you so desire. And you can choose to get a head start on that uni assignment instead of going on a date because you aren’t expected to. This translates into ‘no guilt trip ever’.
Con: You can’t cry
No whingeing about your assignments, your hair becoming frizzy in the rain, the falling out you had with one of your old school friends and certainly NO crying. ‘Non-relationship relationships’ are all about fun – the sexy, jovial good times – and although you may be able to get away with talking about your parents or the hard time you had in high school sometimes you most certainly can’t break down in front of him. Not even when you have PMS.
OK you get the picture. I could do this all day. If you’ve figured it out yet, please let me know. Comment below.
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These are the BEST
I had a non boyfriend for 8 months. I then promoted him to boyfriend in January. All is very good. Looking back now we needed that ‘non relationship’. I rate them!
ugh ! non relationships. im not sure if my status of being taken to an amazing boyfriend makes me biased buht i think they’re pretty crappy. from my own personal experience long ago someone always gets hurt or something always goes wrong
real relos are fufilling and they make youu happy…and not just in tha pants ! (:
I think a non-relationship relationship is the perfect balance of indecision and independence with a touch of committment-a-phobia thrown in for good measure. The period thing is not only awkward but also if he is willing to still see you, knowing he’s only going to get a blowjob and nothing more then it takes the non-relationship relationship one step closer to actual relationship because while he might be in denial, it shows that he cares for more than just the sex. Which in turn becomes a problem if you are really taking the non-commitment thing seriously and want to have sex with someone else on a day that you aren’t seeing him just to prove that you are in a non-relationship relationship. See, there is no strong argument for either side, its a circle. It’s like the song that never ends. It just goes on and on my friend, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and now they keep on singing it forever just because…except this is the sausage without sauce version…
I’m glad in not in a non-relationship relationship. And I think it all comes down to preference though. I think gradually a non-relationship relationship will turn into a proper relationship, at some point. And both parties may not agree to it, but it always does end up there. Anyways, you can still get regular sex in a committed relationship…you just both have to like sex (all the time.) It’s not too hard to find a guy like that is it?
Thanks dudes. Im still pretty unsure about this. I think i just purposefully date people who arent into being someone’s boyfriend because they end being the most mysterious and interesting. That sounds cliche but i think thats why it keeps happening. And I actually dont do well in relationships so maybe thats why im just staying out of them.
And yes Kylie Ive had that happen to me, the whole I still want to be around you even if we cant have sex. I suppose that’s when you know the lines are getting blurred.
Kylie you are deluded or you attribute men with some weird attributes. Coming round for a blow job is not showing that he cares, its coming round for a blow job….. I think women are trapped into thinking that men are more complex than they are. I think they want a more emotional feelings etc relationship with people who are commonly incapable of it..
Men love relationship but they love the chase more. The secret is to make them feel like it’s a giant game of musical chairs. Give him the feeling like he owns the seat and he will relax put his feet up and let out a burp. If you leave the music going and the fear that he will have the seat whipped out from under him in any moment. Wamoo! You got it.
You can have freedom and independence. That is the key to the dynamic. Keep independence and a certain aloofness then you keep him in the hunt mode.
I get that this convo is a few months old, but this topic hasn’t gone anywhere. I am currently in a non-relationship relationship. What this includes for me: amazing sex, frequent sleep-overs, long talks, holding each other all night, cudding and watching movies, lust, love, emotional support, physical satisfaction, drinking tea together and walking around the lake. What this doesn’t include: meeting each others families, hanging out with each others friends, going out on dates in public, relationship security, commitment. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it’s awesome. It will either end, or change, likely something like this doesn’t go on forever. It’s been 6 months. We both want the best of both worlds, the warmth and satisfaction that a relationship has to offer with all the freedoms of the single life. My best advice for people in this situation is to fill your life with activities and people you love, if this person is one of those things, then great, if they end up dragging you down, move on, life is only so long.
Rebound Girl it sounds like you are genuinely happy with what you have. I totally agree with you about leaving it as soon as it starts draggin you down and being a negative part of your life.
I have since left my non-relationship relationship because it started to upset me and I saw a pretty shitty side of him. I’m now in a committed relationship after ages and I feel like I’m better at being in relationships now because I’ve learnt stuff and I’m still learning. It’s more effort but it’s a really cool adventure for both of us.
I’ve been in so many non-relationships I wrote a book about it.
I recommend breaking the cycle.
It’s called The Nonlationship and its on kindle. Girl, we’ve all been there.
How about if you both like each other, you’re having a fab time, YOU want to be in a relationship but he doesn’t. Is ‘my last relationships were crappy’ a good enough excuse? And where does the whole ‘exclusive’ thing come in to it? If a guy doesn’t want to be exclusive (long distance), doesn’t want a relationship but claims he values you and still wants to see you….are you being taken for a mug?