The Best Films about the end of the World

Peeping Tom’s Home Cinema – Six of the best: Armageddon

Bloody hell it’s countdown to the end of the world. No, not the Academy Awards ceremony though, fuck me, the nominations are doing a bloody good impersonation of the end of days (Spielberg’s War Horse nominated for best picture – are you fucking kidding me? WAR FUCKING HORSE? Pass the hemlock my cinema-going days are over -  as Socrates muttered quietly to himself as he grasped the poisoned chalice). No, I mean the actual, fair dinkum, predicted and prophesied END – OF – THE – WORLD. Armageddon for the planet (not entirely independent from the state of cinema, this being a clear sign of the Apocalypse as recorded in the Book of Revelation: “And lo! a bearded director will ride his steed across the heavens pursued by little golden men …”) Take a closer look Durer’s woodcut (below) – you know you recognise Stevie-boy.

It will be self-evident that I don’t actually believe that the world will end on the Northern Hemisphere’s 2012 Winter Solstice no matter what a bunch of crackpots have to say about the Mayan Calendar. If I did have even the vaguest flutter of belief (unlikely for anything you may mutter) then the last thing I’d do is suggest you watch any turkey films. True to form, this Home Cinema includes a couple such and though they aren’t without certain enjoyable facets they are hardly jewels of the cinema arts. And if we really only do have 300-odd days and counting before the Apocalypse then the last thing you need to waste your time on is bollocky cinema. (300, now THERE’S a bit of bollocky cinema – risible; much funnier than Meet the Spartans.)

Before we get there, though, it’s helpful to reflect on the nature of The Apocalypse. Life is full of little Apocalypses (my love life, the state of the economy, the parlous PARLOUS state of public entertainments). It’s like we’re constantly standing next to some dude with a sandwich-board that states: Repent: The End is Nigh! (You might well repent if the end in question was Bill Nighy but that is an entirely different matter). Real Apocalypse, though, means the end of the world – which is where the Mayans come in because even if this is just a new cycle of existence, it’s possible the world (as we know it) may change. It’s not often regarded as for the better and these films do suggest the end is a bit shit. Still, hippies, loonies and the Occupy Movement can always hope it is an Age of Aquarius-styled change (no, not long hair and caftans) such as the end of Capitalism. Question: is cinema possible without Capitalism? I very much doubt it.

Ah, but the theologically minded (GETTING IN BEFORE YOU, PEDANT, YOU WANKER) will doubtless be concerned at the easy substitution of terms – Apocalypse and Armageddon. Fair dos though they both connect to the End of Days – Mormons like Mitt Romney will help us towards that revelation. Idiot’s guide: Armageddon is the site of the final battle between good and evil (so, no, Bruce, Ben and Liv, the meteor is not the plain of the final conflict – though it does result in a cracking theme song thanks to her dad and his mates); Apocalypse is the moment of Revelation of some great truth hitherto kept from sane mortals (so, no, this is not Mel’s idea either – unless it’s that he’s a total cunt; no, wait, it’s about revealing a hidden truth not stating the bleeding obvious). But for our purposes, both terms these days essentially mean any end of the world scenario. Grammarians, theologians and pedants may view this useage as it’s own mini-Apocalypto/Armageddon but they can fuck off: we know what we mean.

1. 2012 (2009)

If we start with the aptly titled one. A dear friend of mine would put John Cusack on Celebrity Death Flight. Until this film I always thought this a harsh selection. Not so now. Ironically enough, he would seem to be on several doomed flights – sadly he survives them all. You won’t. No pleasures here, guilty or otherwise. For absolute, catastrophic dumbness and the scale of migraine-inducing disdain shown to any sentient being (including plants) it lays waste to all those that go before it (Meteor, Armageddon, Deep Impact …)

2. End of Days (1999)

Rather than indulge in the likes of Meteor etc (seriously, it is dull stuff) I thought we might move up the evolutionary cinema scale a bit. From the primordial slime emerges … Arnie. Gabriel Byrne is a brilliant Satan, of course. Sadly, there aren’t really enough minions to satisfy though Arnie is … well, Arnie. Presumably tried to cash-in on pre-millennial angst but to no avail. Deeply boring.

3. Apocalypse Now (1979)

Okay, okay, it looks like a long shot. But when you come to think of Marlon Brando setting himself up as a God amidst all the carnage of Vietnam, you can begin to see glimpses of the battle for what soul America might have. A truly astonishing piece of film-making that holds up – in all it’s bizarre, overwrought, astonishingly visual, visceral enjoyment.

4. Dr Strangelove: Or How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)

Apocalyptic satire of the grandest order. Peter Sellers in top form in multiple characters (all fucked-up) and it remains one of Stanley Kubrick’s towering achievements (this and Barry Lyndon for my money). While it lampoons the ‘sixties nuclear scare you’ve gotta believe the idiocy and paranoia remain as true now – just think of that famous photo of Obama et al at the Osama execution and recast it with Pete, George C Scott, Slim Pickens (such a rich and rare talent – quite against his nom de flick) and James Earl Jones. Sigh, where is a film of this quality in the Oscar (up my arse) noms? Nowhere of course.

5. Testament (1983)

Though this one was up for Best Actress Jane Alexander. Subtle, quiet and not without emotional resonance. It’s possibly most interesting in the list for the one without any special effects of any sort. Trying, then, to get at the heart of nuclear Armageddon than treat it as an all-action adventure (Arnie take note you scumbag).

6. Melancholia (2011)

And so to a step beyond, where you’re never really certain that the end of the world brought about by colliding with a rogue planet actually occurs or remains a delusion of Kirsten Dunce (yes, yes, I know and rumour has it she’s frightfully bright). A sumptuous, haunting piece of film-making. All the more surprising for being helmed by Lars von Trier – haunted yes (oh my Anti-Christ it still gives me the screaming heebie-geebies) but haunting? A career highlight performance from Kirsten but a supporting role of astonishing accomplishment by Charlotte Gainsbourgh (no, no, don’t remind me of the cutting – NO, DON’T!) that is so frustrated, neurotic and tender it makes you cry. Mates and I saw this as our New Year’s Eve cinema just gone – a sublime choice, utterly mesmerizing. Lars probably fucked-up his Oscar chances what with that Nazi joke and all. Seriously, the fact that it’s not up for anything is a travesty/an accurate reflection of what a fucking have it is. So, to remind you, Melanchloia nil, War Horse six. Six! SIX!!!! (Do I need to point out the little apocalyptic joke chucked in at the end, there?)

So spare a thought for Harold Camping (can you possible imagine a more satirical name for an evangelist? God Himself couldn’t have come up with a better one. Actually, come to think of it, the two-time wrong prophet of doom is named after God. C’mon, you know this one: Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be thy name …) Seriously, though, if this our last year on Earth for God’s sake don’t waste your precious remaining hours on shit, spend your Home Cinema time with a box-set of John Cassavetes or (and this is a doozy) Hungarian crack-pot Bela Tarr’s utterly marvelous (and very odd) Satantango. Eleven months and counting …